Dear Pyros,
Now, I ain’t one to tell others how to be livin’ their life. That’s within the purview of your own personal philosophy, and I don’t intend to invade that with science. I am, however, in the business of research, and I’ve found out a thing or two from my studyin’.

First off, this one should be obvious, but y’all don’t seem to grasp it- it ain’t safe to be shooting flame at your buddies. Them Valve folks have an partially implemented patch in the works to make that there fire hurt teammates too, but it only seems to trigger some of the time, so if’in a pal of yours catches aflame, he ain’t necessarily a spy, and y’all should help him find a medic ’stead of keeping the flame a goin’.

Second, them there spies have gotten a little smarter lately. They still can only have one weapon per class, but they’ve made their choosin’ a bit more clever. Now, when they’re going around pretendin’ to be me, they’re carryin’ around a wrench. So if’in you see me wanderin’ with a shotgun, I’m on your side. Same goes with Medics- they’ve found an old medigun disguise hangin’ around, so they don’t carry them Blutsagers anymore.

Third, stop headbuttin’ me to see if you go through. As with the flame, Valve’s been up to something in the patches, and us teammates is startin’ to clip with each other. Just cause you’re not going through don’t make me no spah.

Remember, I ain’t telling you what to do, just how to do it. Thanks for listenin’

-Your pal, the Engineer

Dhhr Thpy,

Thcrhw yru

-Pr-ro

We all know and love the struggle between RED and BLU, but what really drives them? Money? No. Fame? No. Control Points? Trivial things they are. No, the real reason they are fighting… is sandviches.

Sandviches? But why?

This goes back to the beginning, before the hatred and fighting. Two heavies ran a small sandvich shop in Moscow, where everyone enjoyed them. But one day, The Heavy that wore blue wanted the stores logo to be blue. But the red Heavy refused, saying “Blue is puny little baby color.” The blue Heavy, deeply offended, replies “No, Red is puny, CRYING baby color.” This resulted in the blue and red heavy making their own sandvich shops, respectively called the RED Sandvich shop, and the BLU Sandvich Shop. “Blue is better without e.” the BLU heavy thought.

Each sides profit grew, until their sandvich shops went global, always across the road from each other. Unfortunately, the 2fort branch failed when the two sides started throwing sandviches at each other. Anyways, the sides started recruiting employees, like the Spy, Engineer, Pyro, and so forth. But one day, the Spy approached the Heavy and asked, “Why don’t I steal their stupid recipes right out from their noses?” The Heavy thought for a small moment, and said “Is good plan.” The spy proceeded into the RED sandvich shop and stole the recipes, and came back with them. “What?! You let puny little papers fall out of puny suitcase! Go get more RED-baby suitcases!” Unfortunately, the RED Heavy was on to their plan, and used the same tactic against them. With both sides fighting each other endlessly, the RED and BLU Pyros, both approached the two heavies, and by sheer coincidence, both said at the same time, “Mrrphmrrph Murrph MURPH Murph?”(Why don’t we get weapons and attack their shop?) Both Heavies soon purchased weapons for all their workers, and went to war.

But, what about the lasers, missiles, and other stuff?

All of what we thought were weapons are easily explained.

The gravel pit laser? A experimental sandvich toaster that failed when RED failed to make a giant sandvich.

Sandvich delivery!

The rocket in Cp_Steel is just really a advanced sandvich delivery system that delivers sandviches on a global scale, an obvious advantage in today’s competitive sandvich market.

How do you know this?

Would you believe that I hired a top CIA Team?

No. I wouldn’t.

Would you believe a cop on his lunch break?

No.

Would you believe a bloodhound and a man with a magnifying glass?

*Sigh….*

A while ago, back when the Heavy update was about to appear on computers worldwide and miniguns were going to shred hundreds of players to tiny pieces, I let out a cry concerning the plight of the Scout. He was getting too weak, I said, and wasn’t really a viable class choice on the basis you’d just end up dying a lot. The point I was trying to get at? He was the only class who could logically be given the next class update.

Isn’t being proved right great?

Now, granted, I’m not saying Valve popped over to Ubercharged and made their choice solely on the basis of what I had written, although I may like to think that. Yet when they themselves say that this update is about tackling the fact you can’t do anything as a Scout on certain maps without dying, there seems to be some sort of spooky parallel between what I was saying and what they want to do. So, it seems a good time to revisit the ideas in the old article, take into account some of the relatively new stuff, and see if Ubercharged can change the face of the game as we know it! Probably not, but hey, we can dream…

Like a leech – The vampire bat

So, one of the goals Valve wants to attain with this update is making the Scout be more of a battler than a big pile of bits on the floor. Well, OK, they don’t specifically say that, but let’s read between the lines a little and pretend it’s there. This weapon gives the Scout the means to do this, by allowing the Scout to hit someone and increase his max health by leeching it off others. The drawback was a dramatic loss of speed while you’re changing to and holding the weapon. This certainly seems to be a useful survivability tool – We’ve seen how long a Pyro can last with that little bit of extra health - Yet the vampire bat removes the issue of just having such a health boost and abusing the hell out of it. The fact that other classes such as the Engineer and Spy are gaining more powerful tools by the second also seems to show that such an aid to survival may truly benefit some players.

Perhaps, as noted before, such an idea can’t even be implemented due to the issues of coding it into the game and all the other fiddly bits that come with making such a weapon work. However, we have seen with the introduction of Natascha that classes can be forced to slow down, so maybe that’s not as big of a deal as it first seems. The only real question is whether you’d want to go back to the original bat after unlocking this… Maybe give it a damage increase? Still, the vampire bat has got potential, achieves Valve’s goals for the class, and could be pretty awesome in the process… What’s not to like?

Stopping that sentry? – The Boston Blaster

Ok, this is the one the provided the biggest scope for disagreement and discussion, and not because of the fact the old name I gave it of “The street depleter” was hilariously awful. Basically, the weapon was to provide a way for Scouts to get past a sentry that may be blocking their path. The issue raised was that an Engineer and his sentry is naturally the nemesis of the Scout, and this shouldn’t change one bit. Fair enough, I suppose, but also note the fact that the Engineer has received improvements to some of his other little toys. Making his him more useful and a more appealing choice to players. Meaning more dead Scouts. I’ve never seen this bonus to the Engineer as a good thing, because in my eyes it takes his from the rank of tricky adversary to an almost untouchable behemoth… He can make his teammates pop up as fast as lightning, and repair his deadly machines without ever worrying about running out of metal. Surely it’s time to take him down a peg or two, and keep him on his toes? That’s what the Boston Blaster does!

“Bring it! BRIIIIIING IT!”

Now, note I’m not saying the sentry is ever destroyed via the use of this weapon, or that it allows the Scout to take on a sentry single-handedly with relative success every time. It’s simply a means of opening up the path for him to actually get to the battle without dying, a problem which is present to a massive extent on maps such as (Wouldn’t you credit it) Goldrush and Dustbowl. Maybe the idea of hitting a ball in the path of the sentry to distract it is better. Maybe the idea needs refinement. But just take the core of the idea – Actually allowing the Scout to move about and fight more – and you’re onto a winner.

Scatter! It’s the… Uh… Scattergun!

It’s odd that after all this time I still can’t think up a way for the Scattergun to be improved, but at least part of me knows why this is now – There’s nothing technically wrong with the default one we’ve got. It can kill people in a brutal and satisfying manner, gives the challenge of getting close enough to try and do such a thing, and can even allow you to peep round a corner and take out a sentry if you get really lucky and the Engineer in question has only two brain cells. I tried browsing the Steam forums for Team Fortress 2, but since most people there just like to whine in a way that makes me actually have to decode what they were saying, that didn’t really help.

I did have one tiny idea, relating back to the “scatter” in the gun’s name – How about giving it the Pyro’s airblast? Would be interesting in one sense, stopping all those rockets that can kill you in one and making the Scout a more strategic choice. Still, I accept that having two classes bouncing people around could begin to get a bit annoying, but there you go. If this thought shows us anything, however, it’s that the end result for the alternative scattergun will certainly be interesting…

So there you go.

Read it and weep tears of joy, Valve. Ubercharged has just solved practically all your woes about the Scout, and using these ideas would make your game that little bit more brilliant. You can send the cheque in the mail. Preferably one with more than six digits on it.

“Press F5 to save this moment!”

When I first moved from Team Fortress 2 from the Xbox 360 to the PC, this was one of the things that took me by surprise. How wonderful that it lets you take screenshots, I thought, but how strange that the only time it prompts you is when you have met your end at the hands of an enemy.

Needless to say, since then, I (like nearly everyone else) have been amassing a large collection of deathcam screenshots that were awesome, funny, or strange enough to warrant saving.

Looking through my Screenshots folder, there are always some that stand out as being particularly good, for whatever reason, and I realised- a good deathcam is a work of art.

Don’t think that I am boasting- indeed, how can I boast when so little of the work was done by me? Unlike other photos, the deathcam is an odd beast, because the only input you have is whether or not to save it. The opportunity is made by the player who killed you. The composition is decided by what was happening at the time. You don’t even get to choose the camera angle.

It is for this reason that I think they are so wonderful. The cartoony visual style of TF2 suits the comical deathcams perfectly, especially when your killer is taunting your corpse. Übercharges, Kritzkriegs, or even a sneaky Sandvich break all serve to make you laugh or applaud when really you should be fuming. Many times, they will have met their own grisly end, and you are treated to their ragdoll slumped amusingly on the ground.

Here a few of my favourite deathcams from my collection.

The Awesome

Arena_Well, as a Spy. This Heavy saw me uncloaking as I jumped into the water, and pursued me with his shotgun. He hapenned to reload just as the deathcam captured him, resulting in a pretty cool pose. Even if I do say so myself.

Unsightly view into skybox on old low-res computer notwithstanding, rollerrat shows us all how to do it with a pretty spectacular rocketjump over a BLU charge.

The Funny

An example of how important luck is. I don’t know whether or not the Spy killed him, but him sneaking off into the background, plus the Heavy directly under the Pest Control sign was a real gift. It makes me wonder whether or not Valve put that poster in the game purely for this reason.

The Just Deserts

It’s hard not to smile when the person who killed you is blissfully unaware of a friendly Spy behind him.

The Just Plain Weird

Murrr is really not looking very good at all. Weird graphical glitches result in all sorts of bizarre mutants glaring into your deathcam.

Now It’s Your Turn

Of course, I’m not the only one with some fun deathcams. Feel free to post your own in the comments*. In fact, I insist. Go on. Do it.

If you don’t know where to find your deathcams, they’re in the /Program Files/steam/steamapps/[YourName]/team fortress 2/tf/screenshots folder.

*NB- don’t post more than one or two image links per comment- they tend to get flagged as spam.

It’s been a while since we’ve seen some TF2 Machinima, so it’s time to load up on some Engie action by whatistuna. This is particularly relevant with the recent Engie buffs from Valve.

DIGG
A movie dedicated to all the hardworking Engineers out there. Consisting of a plot that makes absolutly no sense and leaves you clueless of what you just watched, brought to you by WhatIsTuna.info and PldX.com. Check out the HD version of the movie, or the interview with Tuna

What can I say - it’s got Bond Casino Royale, Bon Jovi, GTA 4, and even some Macgyver references mixed in there. You can’t not win.

Spotted over at TeamFortress2.de

I went out to a nice restaurant for dinner tonight, and paid $25 for a few thin slices of Tuna as an entrée. So I feel qualified to discuss this.

Sniper walked, moving through the base at a steady speed. His boots beat out an even rhythm, serving as an accompaniment to the cacophony he approached. As he drew closer, the noises grew louder. Soon, it became easier to distinguish separate sounds, like the hiss of a blowtorch and the buzz of a drill, but all this grated on Sniper’s honed senses. He reached a door and slammed it open, bringing the turmoil to a crescendo. In a room full of grease and gadgets, a cluster of contraptions nearly concealed a red sleigh. On creaking metal arms and growling treadmills, they moved on the whims of an unseen master as they worked away.

“Oy!”

Everything stopped, and a hand appeared in response to Sniper’s shout. With one smooth movement, Engineer pulled himself into view, beaming amiably through the oil on his face. He pushed aside the suddenly still machines and strode over, wiping off the grease on his brow and goggles.

“I see you’re busy, mate.”

“Well, I figured I’d fix up the old-timer’s ride, seeing as how it was my sentry that took him out.”

“Looks to me that there’s a bit more than fixing going on here.”

“You’re right about that!” Engineer chuckled. “Y’all know I don’t like doing things half-way, so I threw in a couple of… improvements for ol’ Saint Nick.”

“You’ll need to finish up later then. Medic has the poor blighter stabilized.”

“And he wants to rustle everyone up so we can see him break more scientific frontiers, right? He’s a good fella, our medic, but he’s a bit of a glory-hound. Reckon we should bring Santa some milk and cookies?”

“Not likely. The way he is right now… solid food ain’t an option.”

*****

“You maggots had it easy while you were in the fat and jolly brigade! Packing on the pounds and loving the goldbricking life! But you’re in my unit now and the sight of you already sickens me! Just listening to you flabby fatsacks wheeze makes me want to personally choke each and every one of you by hand! I should load a rocket and mercy-kill the whole lot of you! However, I am feeling unusually merciful today, perhaps the spirit of the season can touch even this old soldier’s heart.”

“You’re not out of the woods yet though! Oh no, I might not be blowing you to bits, but you’ll be wishing I did once I’m through with you! I’m going to take you fat maggoty lumps and sculpt you into such fine specimens of excellence that God himself will fall to his knees and weep! I will grind you down until you are dust! Then, I will piece you back together as the ultimate fighting force! When I say ‘jump’, you will already be three stories up! When I say ‘run’, you will have already broken the sound barrier! When I say ‘fight’, every living thing in a five-mile radius will already have spontaneously burst into flames before then exploding into bloody bits!”

“You! You disgusting filthy loathsome contemptible piece of slop-swilling scum-spitting slime! You are the worst example of maggotry in this entire motley crew! I can see I already have my work cut out for me when it comes to you! It may take me forever and a day to whip you into shape, but I will take you through hell and back to do it! Then, I will take you back into hell because the previous excursion did not sufficiently satisfy my blood-lust! I will make you cry! I will make you bleed! I will break you, unmake you and remake you into whatever shape and form I see fit! Before this day is out, you will beg me to kill you, to tear out your throat with my own teeth! But I will not do this because I am a god! I am an ancient god both merciless and uncaring! I am a god who exists only to delight in your pain and suffering! I am your god! What! Do! You! Say! To! Your! God?!”

Rudolph nervously farted.

*****

Engineer and Sniper walked across the catwalk, nonchalantly observing Soldier pummelling a red-nosed reindeer as they passed. They entered a doorway and climbed down a long flight of stairs, down towards where Medic had his lab. Strange chemical smells floated up to meet them, invoking more images of pickled organs and gruesome experiments than that of healing and recuperation. They reached the floor to see the others: incomprehensible Pyro, slow yet steady Heavy, aloof Spy, severely tipsy Demoman, and the increasingly distraught Scout. They were all watching an upright tube of sickly green liquid, in which Santa floated. He had been completely unclothed, revealing his surprisingly hairy body. One of his fingers twitched, tapping against the glass.

They walked forward, stopping next to Pyro. The completely-covered figure turned and gave a cheery wave.

“Mrrrf! Mrf meh!”

Engineer caught the toy bear that Pyro had thrown. He looked down at the fuzzy thing, noting that it had a small mask just like Pyro’s. Apparently, the RED team’s resident flame-handler had been experimenting with Santa’s sack. Pyro offered a spark-spitting nutcracker to Sniper who declined. Meanwhile, Scout was tapping a foot nervously and fingering his dogtags.

“This is seven kinds of screwed up right here man. I can’t believe this is even happening. Santa Claus! And we nearly iced the guy!”

“It’s not so bad, he’s still breathing an’ in one piece, right?” Demoman remarked, right before he took another swig of his morning Scrumpy.

“Engy’s gun shot all the blood out of him!”

“We’ve had worse done to us.”

“We’re different! He’s a jolly roly-poly elf-guy who flies around making kids happy! We’re… we’re…”

Scout hesitated, unsure of how he could describe nine different sociopathic individuals, all equipped with a variety of skills that deal primarily with the speedy decimation of other living beings. Demoman patted Scout’s shoulder comfortingly.

“We’re a bunch of mad bastards. There’s no denying it, laddie.”

Without warning, Medic appeared and marched swiftly to the front of the group.

“The procedure,” Medic announced triumphantly, “was a success! Though not as efficient as the Medigun, this recuperative liquid (which I shall call Medigoo until a more suitable name presents itself) will gradually mend both the external and internal injuries that Herr Santa had sustained in his unfortunate accident. The process is slow, but is ultimately necessary due to the drastic condition in which the patient was found. I predict at least a week before he can be released from the container, whereupon he must then be subjected to a series of tests.”

Pyro made an inquisitive mumble.

“And of course… I have taken great care to ensure that though Santa will soon be as good as new, he will be new like the way he was before he took some rockets to the face. In no way will the Medigoo cause untoward side-effects, turning him into a grotesque monstrosity whose visage will drive people insane.”

As he spoke, Medic surreptitiously moved a hand behind his back and crossed his fingers. He turned once he was finished, and disapprovingly took note of Santa’s tapping. Medic walked over to a panel of buttons and a tray of worrying instruments. He continued his speech, “There is only one last thing to take care of, and that is his infernal twitching! This is simple enough though, with an increased dose of anesthetic and perhaps some applied ‘pressure’ in the correct spots.”

Medic reached for one particularly ominous button, only to be stopped by sudden pressure on his wrist.

“Wait,” said Sniper.

The Australian assassin stalked over to Santa’s recuperation tube. He crouched low, making one ear level with Santa’s twitching finger.

“Short… short… short… that’s ‘S’… short… long… this is Morse code.”

“What’s it-”

“Keep quiet,” Sniper snapped, and went back to listening. Everyone else stood back silently, waiting for him to decode Santa’s message.

“Sleigh… under… seat. Scout, go check it out.”

“Gotcha!”

Scout spun on his heels and lunged for the stairs. He hurtled upwards, taking them four at a time. He zoomed towards Engineer’s workshop, ignoring Soldier and the red-nosed reindeer he had in a headlock. In an instant, he reached the place and nimbly sidestepped puddles of oil as he made his way to Santa’s sleigh. He leapt on and rashly grabbed hold of the seat. He pulled, revealing a hidden compartment. It was largely empty except for one long sheet of paper that Scout pulled out. Reverentially, Scout gazed at it and said to himself, “It’s a list.”

*****

“Checking it twice?” Spy asked sarcastically.

“There’s nae much need for it,” Demoman replied. “Most o’ it’s already crossed out, except for a line here an’ there. Looks like Santa’s not done yet.”

Assorted eyes turned towards Santa, floating in his tube.

“No way he’ll be coming out of that soon.”

“Then who will deliver the final presents?”

“The sleigh’s working fine, and we won’t need the reindeer too. I made my own modifications.”

“We? Are you suggesting something camarade?” Medic inquired.

“I’m saying that it’d be a doggone shame to disappoint young ‘uns when there’re plenty of able-bodied fellas here who can heft a sack.”

The room went silent with contemplation, teammates looking at each other as they wrestled with their own thoughts. Finally, Heavy Weapons Guy cleared his throat.

“We make problem… so we fix problem.”

Pyro mumbled cheerily and raised a fist enthusiastically. Others soon followed suit.

“Aye!”

“Hell yeah!”

“Could be interesting.”

Heavy grinned and growled, cracking his knuckles. “Then… we sing sleighing song tonight!”

Well, Christmas is now past! Methinks it’s time for another good 1200-word rant from Himmelstoss, no? Without further ado…

99% of TF2 servers out there don’t have to deal with this issue, which is excellent. I’m glad it’s like that. Unfortunately, the ubercharged.net server that many of us frequent is one of the unlucky 1%. This one is for the ubercharged server regulars.

Specifically, I’m talking about the scourge of low gravity. On my numerous hours on the server, I’ve seen us run pretty hilarious shenanigans. Hell, many of you might remember (and be trying to forget) the week of the server videos right here on UC. Sure, hilarious stuff like domino taunts and heavy towers and fun with timebombs and noscoping serves to supplement, not replace, the usual vanilla (i.e. normal) gameplay. That’s important. Supplement is the key word here. This website discusses vanilla TF2, and it would sure be shameful if we didn’t play any vanilla TF2 on our server. Right? Just getting that out of the way - server regulars take note.

Now - low gravity can help in some cases. If you’re trying to make a huge tower of heavies, or if you’re having a noscope battle, low gravity can be incredibly useful, though perhaps not indispensable.

It just doesn’t work when you’re trying to play vanilla. The reason?

You guessed it: Gravity keeps the BALANCE.

Vanilla - referring to normal gameplay, is indisputably the most fun way to play TF2. That’s what you shelled out your money for, and quite obviously you love it, or, chances are, you wouldn’t be reading this site. After clocking in over 280 hours in the game, I’m not bored at all. I’m having a blast and improving my skills all the time.

Normal gravity keeps the game running, and all maps are designed with normal gravity in mind (except maybe some crappy orange maps. I wouldn’t know). Consider Gravelpit B. The roof of the building is accessible only by soldiers, demomen, and scouts (unless you hop up via dispensers/teleporters). Once up there, it’s impossible to get down without losing health, and there are no healthpacks on the roof. It’s designed like that! Heavies aren’t supposed to be able to get up there and spray $200 custom-tooled cartridges on the capture point below. It’s part of that intangible crazy thing they call balance.

But low gravity absolutely decimates balance. Class-by-class:

Scouts: simultaneously become overpowered and useless. When a double jump can carry a scout for 100 meters or more, something is seriously wrong. At the same time, when the scout is 30 meters above the ground, the damage output of the scout falls to near zero.

Soldiers: become pretty useless, too. A single rocket jump will take you so far across the map it’s almost laughable. The rocket jump - a very important ability to the soldier - becomes completely useless. When every class can jump high enough to reach places normally accessible only by the soldier or demoman, that’s pretty stupid. Also, airshots are much trickier than ground-shots - only the best of the best soldiers can pull that off easily.

Pyros: can either be over- or under-powered. Pyros become useless when people are flying through the air; the flamethrower’s short range doesn’t really do much. But the airblast…when a single airblast sends a guy flying for 10+ seconds, a single pyro has a ridiculous amount of griefing potential. Think about it - if a pyro airblasts another pyro and keeps the other fellow up there, the first pyro can waste almost a minute pissing the other pyro off (you don’t know how long 10 seconds is until you’re stuck in the air twiddling your thumbs for that long - multiple times).

Demomen: As if Valve doesn’t have enough of a vendetta against the demoman (what with the multiple nerfs) - demomen get destroyed beyond belief by low gravity. The grenade launcher becomes, for all practical purposes, a nerfed rocket launcher - albeit one that’s almost impossible to use properly. The stickies become the only easy way to kill - and even that isn’t too reliable. The only weapon guaranteed to have a good damage output is the bottle - but chances are, you’ll be killed before you get within range. This one stings especially hard for me. Demoman is far and way my favorite (and best) class - one of the reasons I prefer demoman to soldier is the fact that grenades and stickies have a falling arc. I tend to heavily rely on the grenade launcher, but it becomes useless in low gravity. The only solution is to attempt to sticky spam - and even that’s not very effective. Once the falling arc goes, it becomes remarkably hard to play this class.

Heavies: become ridiculously overpowered. A heavy can jump and spin the gun up in the air. For something like 6-7 seconds, the heavy can spam custom-tooled cartridges while floating gently through the air, laughing all the while. It’s just as insanely stupid as it sounds.

Engineers: become overpowered. It becomes easy for engineers to low grav jump up to places they usually cannot access (easily, at least), and build sentries there. And what about the sentry knockback? If you didn’t think the knockback effect of the sentry was huge enough (try jumping when you’re in front of a level 3 sentry and see what happens to you) - the knockback in low gravity can send you flying across the entire freaking map. Really. Join some crappy 24/7 Orange Low Grav server and see for yourself.

Medics: aren’t affected tooooo much. It’s just that they can jump to ridiculous places, just like all the other classes. That isn’t good at all in itself.

Snipers: OVERPOWERED MUCH? It’s easy as hell to take a shot at a slowly moving pyro gently flying through the air. When most classes are floating in the air, they become sitting ducks for snipers. Meanwhile, snipers stay just as vulnerable as they are usually (because most sniper deaths come from other snipers and low grav does nothing to make snipers more vulnerable). I’m not great at sniper (my headshot percentage is something around 40-50% - i.e. pretty abysmal), but I manage to regularly headshot flying scouts when playing low gravity. Considering that it was me doin’ the snipin’, that’s saying a lot. Take my word for it.

Spies: become more effective (by a marginal amount). It’s quite tricky to pull off a backstab on a flying target, but it becomes easier to infiltrate and to escape when your cover is blown. Low gravity makes it way too easy to sneak behind enemy lines. Once behind there, it becomes tricky to use the knife for stabbing - the revolver becomes a far more effective weapon. It just doesn’t reward the smart play characteristic of good spies.

Conclusion

Part of the reason I’m writing this is because of my experience on the UC server. There’s no doubt that low gravity is good for some of the shenanigans we do. Cooperative endeavors such as heavy stacking can benefit from some low gravity. Even melee-only and noscoping matches can be good fun with some low gravity. But low gravity does not gel with vanilla play. It just doesn’t. I’m pretty sick of constantly fielding demands for low gravity while I’m administrating the server - and this is my rationale for refusing to do so, laid out for posterity. A note to players: you have the right to demand normal gravity - exercise it! It’s only with your cooperation that we can rid the world of low gravity vanilla. Or, if you actually like it, this server is waiting for you - complete with low gravity, orange maps, and 100% critical hits. Hopefully that’ll be enough to satisfy your ridiculous conception of fun.

I was gonna post this last night or this morning, but the site has been having some issues (night janitor at the hosting company unplugged a server to make eggnog or something). It should still work out though, because thanks to the magic of xmas time travel (and being 10 hours ahead of GMT), I’m still able to post this so everyone can still read it in time of christmas day… instead of spending time with your friends and family… and spreading peace on earth… Yeah, ubercharged is more important than that stuff.

So anyway, merry xmas to all the uberchargers out there in a politically correct, non-denominational way. Thanks to all you people who showered me with gifts, and praise, and riches. All NONE of you. Tsk tsk, you’ll have to try harder next year. It’s been a great year though, and I just wanted to spread the word about some of the great TF2 xmas stuff out there.

Control Point: The Second Christmas Episode

I haven’t had a chance to listen to this one yet, but if it’s anything like last year’s xmas episode, you’re in for a treat. It’s not the normal run of the mill CP episode (which you should check out anyway, cause it’s always amusing). Basically the guys are singing a bunch of christmas carols reworded to apply to TF2. It’s a little scary, but entertaining at the same time.

Anyway, go check it out.

There’s a video version of “CP Jumped the Shark” done to the tune of Feliz Navidad as well (the rick roll bit is an in joke and only goes on for a minute or so, pay no attention if you don’t follow the show).

ubercharged.net posts

Yeah, if you’re reading this post, you’ve probably already seen these as they are on the same page. But anyway:

Merry Crits-mas
Tis the season…
The Red Team Saves Christmas - Part 1

ubercharged.net forum posts

There’s a thread going in the forum with plenty of christmas cheer.

WHAT SICK MAN SENDS BABIES TO FIGHT SANTA!?
(Thanks to loafaries)

(Thanks to SirMax)

Gorebagg.com christmas carols

The guys over at gorebagg.com have been busy producing some quality TF2 christmas cheer as well. I think my favourite was 12 days of TF2, but check out their other work as well.

Over brown hills and across sandy plains,
tired men took a break from war.
Weary eyes shut, bodies crept ‘neath their sheets,
and one voice mumbled, “Cry some more.”

Nine souls slept safe under a sturdy roof,
while above their heads was a sight.
Across the sky flew a marvelous sleigh
pulled by nine reindeer through the night.

“Down Dasher! Down!” said a white-bearded maw,
sending sleight and reindeer to the ground.
There, a jolly soul leapt out with a grunt,
shaking a belly jiggly and round.

His eyes twinkled and cheeks turned red;
“Ho ho ho!” Santa laughed with mirth.
Then, he heard a beep and turned to see
a sentry at the courtyard’s girth.

Rockets launched and bullets were fired,
waking the entire team.
A lanky lad clapped his hands with glee;
his face had a greedy beam.

“Free gear!” The scout cheered. “Free ammo too!”
Demoman rubbed the sleep out one eye.
Pyro awoke, as did Sniper and Spy,
and of course, Heavy Weapons Guy.

Out of bed, through the door and down the hall,
Scout raced to be first to loot.
With one grand leap, he descended some stairs,
landing by a charred red suit.

His alarm grew as he took in the scene,
where Santa looked like worm food.
Nervously, he coughed and sweated like mad
until finally, he said-

“Screwed!” Scout gasped at last. “We are screwed!”

By now, most of the team had gathered, viewing the formerly jolly figure with a mixture of curiosity and suspicion. Pyro poked a smouldering boot with the tip of his axe, then he looked to his own and compared their sizes. Suddenly, the crowd rumbled and parted as Soldier shoved his way through. His helmt tilted down at the red-garbed victim before him.

“Friendly fire!” He yelled. “Man down! Man down! We need a medic here ASAP!”

Soldier dropped to his knees, grabbed Santa by his coat and pulled him upright. Soldier shook the old elf forcefully, screaming into his unconscious face.

“You are not going to die! I will not let you! You will get up and you will continue fighting until you are dead again because I am telling you to! I do not leave men behind! I! Am! Bringing! You! Home!”

He punctuated each last word with a hard slap across Santa’s charred cheeks. Scout could only look on in mute horror as Demoman interjected.

“He’s not one of ours, lad.”

“What?! So… it looks like we have an infiltrator on our hands! Medic!” Soldier yelled again, this time directly at the team’s resident physician who had just strolled onto the scene. “Prepare for interrogation!”

“Excellent!” Medic remarked with fiendish glee, pulling out a bonesaw. He never went anywhere without at least one sharp implement upon his person.

“No! Stop! Wait!”

Scout leapt in front of the over-eager Medic, being careful to steer clear of the saw’s sharp edges. Soldier let go of the jolly old elf, who fell back to the earth with a thump.

“Watch it punk, we don’t need a commie sympathizer on this team!”

“Are… are you kidding me? Don’t you know who this is?” Scout laughed hysterically as he gestured wildly at the crumpled body. “That’s Santa Claus!”

The courtyard went silent; more than one eyebrow was raised. Snickers arose, followed by snorts of laughter, all from the mouths of men who did not believe. Scout looked around in frustration, and slowly filled with doubt himself. AMong all that, one large hand rose to a large head. Meaty fingers scratched as a rumbling voice spoke up.

“Who… is Santa Claus?” said Heavy Weapons Guy.

“He’s a myth, pardner. An urban legend.”

The reply came from Heavy’s side, where Engineer had sauntered up casually. He continued forward and crouched by the singed soul on the ground, rubbing his chin reflectively. He picked up Santa’s singed hat as he talked.

“When I was still a lil’ squirt, my folks used to tell me about this ol’ elf fella goin’ by Santa Claus. Word is he’d mosey all over on Christmas night, giving good kids presents. Of course, I’d already mathematically disproven his existence by the time I was five. But…”

Engineer looked at the sleight and its reindeer, the latter of which were quivering nervously behind the former.

“It seems like I might’ve missed a number or two.”

“Are you saying we’ve got some kind of fictional fairy-tale lollygagger here, hardhat?” Soldier growled. “Because I’m not buying bunk like that!”

“I’m not saying what is or ain’t… but I reckon we should take a harder look at things before we do anything else.”

“Indubitably,” said the Spy. Appearing from nowhere (as is his habit), he flicked aside a cigarette with disinterest, giving Scout a jolt in the process.

“Gah! Don’t do that man!”

“Information,” Spy continued as he ignored Scout, “It is always of some use… even in ‘unusual’ circumstances such as this.”

“Well, you won’t be getting any out of this cobber, not unless Doc here can patch him back up.”

Sniper turned to Medic, who was now examining his new patient. Carefully, he inspected limbs and checked for a pulse, although this was less due to good bedside manner and more to do with a habit of always examining new guinea pigs. Finally, he turned to the team.

“To most pedestrian intellects, this man should be dead.” He declared, “However, I perceive the slightest glimmer of life within him! While others would simply bury this poor fool in a shallow ditch and call it a day, I have the skill and genius necessary to return this man to the living! No… I can do even better than that. I can rebuild him! I can make him stronger! Faster! More monstrous than ever before! He will become my greatest creation ev-”

Some muffled mumbling interrupted Medic, and a gloved hand shook a disapproving finger at him. Deflated, Medic simply sighed.

“Fine, fine… I’ll just make him like he was before… yes and I won’t put on any extra limbs.”

Heavy grinned and nudged Spy.

“I can still feel where third arm used to be!”

“Delightful.”

With that, the group dispersed. Medic dragged the comatose Santa to his lab without much compassion, grumpy over being denied an opportunity to further the cause of science. The others returned to their bunks, intent on regaining hours of sleep that had been lost. Soon, only Scout and Engineer were left, alone with Santa’s sleigh. Engineer walked over to it and slapped a hand on the side.

“Nice workmanship.” He said to himself, “It’s a little low-tech, but some skill went into making this. Good strong material too…”

“Thanks for saying something. For a while there, I thought I was going crazy myself. Santa Claus!”

“Aw shoot, don’t mention it pardner. Can’t say I did it completely out of the good of my own heart though.”

“What do you mean, hardhat?”

“Well… let me just say this.” Engineer said, his voice lowering to a conspirational whisper. “How many fellas get a chance to play with Santa’s sleigh?”

To be continued…

Oh yes, the holiday season has begun already for many people around the world, break from school, work or whatever else it is that people do to fill their time up. Decorations have been put up in the house to give the decor a festive feeling and to feel like you are still connected to whatever religious background you come from. Presents are being wrapped or unopened as you read this, families are re-uniting for a few days of having to listen to the grandfathers stories all over again because he can not remember telling them the year before, let alone remember to wear underwear on a daily basis.

And of course there are the children. The precious darlings of the future, all excited to see what glorious new possessions they will obtain this year. Screaming and carrying on wanting the day to draw nearer, abusing their parents for not getting them the latest craze, always wanting more, more, more.

Kids these days are a rather selfish bunch, at least around my parts. Spoiled from day one, getting whatever they want because they know if they scream and cry enough their parents will eventually fold and they will get the newest playstation game or pokemon card deck or whatever it is they are so infatuated with at the time. The basis of the Christmas season is lost on them, mainly due to the commercial nature getting increasingly more hideous each year in western culture.

“But /D/, wtf has this got to do with Team Fortress 2?” You type with an inquisitive tone. “Why are you rambling about the lack of Christmas spirit on a game website? You’re not going to review another band are you? Because we all know how that turned out…”

I am writing about this because it effects the TF2 community. With the kids on holidays, the internet beasts within come out to play. Their selfish ways throughout the holidays is carried on into the servers.

The past few days have seen chaos erupt on a horrific scale. So many old issues which were once ironed out have come back to haunt us. Mic spamming, metal hogging, class stacking, player abuse over text or mic, griefing and a general lack of team work have increased ten fold over the past few days on the servers I frequent. It’s sad to see.

It is here that I urge those responsible to act accordingly. But I am not talking about the children themselves, but those who should be teaching them better.

The Parents

That’s right, I’m staring through my monitor and directly at you, Mummy and Daddy (I’m Australian so I spelt it right before anyone comments about it.) You let your kids get on to a game they shouldn’t be playing, letting them yell and carry on, provided it keeps them out of your hair right? This is what you always do. But it isn’t helping anyone. The kid is going to grow up a moron, you’re going to end up in debt by bailing them out of murder charges because you didn’t teach them right from wrong, they won’t be grateful, they’ll steal your things, put you in a nursing home and forget you even exist, leaving you to rot alone in a small room with ugly pastel wallpaper and a stain ridden window that has a lovely view of a sewerage plant. Then when you die they’ll sell off all your sentimental possessions to fuel their newly aquired cocaine habit. But that money will eventually dwindle and they will have to resort to swallowing their pride for their next fix. All of this because you let them run wild on a computer.

Do you really want that? No, I didn’t think so. But you can stop it, parents. You can make it all stop right now. Get those kids outside where they’re supposed to be. Take them to a park, play catch with them, teach them the true meaning of this holiday season: Giving to those less fortunate and spending time with those who mean the most to them. This will in turn make them a wonderful addition to our fine community and I will be less likely to rant like this in the future.

If that fails, don’t be afraid to give them a bit of the ole’ bonk. Remember, not only will you be helping this lovely online community, but you will be helping yourself, your child and society as a whole.

I hope everyone has a happy Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Las Posadas or any other day of celebration I have missed.

Twinkle, twinkle, little crit

Oh how sweetly you do sit

Oh how could we ever know

How much destruction you can sow

We are all aware of the numerous ways in which Team Fortress 2 differs from most FPS’s. We are also aware of how some of these design choices divide the community. Not least among those is the presence of critical hits, affectionately (or not so affectionately in some cases) dubbed crits. For some people, they are the bane of their existence. Several servers are now No-Crit servers, with many players opting out of the glowing tracer shots, sparkling rockets and brutal melee swipes. However, before you type “no crits” into that search field, think again. For critical hits are glorious!

Crits, it’s crits. We hope it’s crits, it’s crits

I don’t mean circumstantial crits- the backstabs, the headshots, the axtinguisher. While glorious in their own right, they are not representative of the real critical hit. For the bona fide crit is a fluke, a whim of Lady Luck designed to give and take in equal measure. Occuring somewhere between 5 and ten hits per hundred, nothing controls crits but an invisible die, along with a slight modifier based on your performance so far this life.

It seems odd that Valve would let something so destructive be controlled purely by chance. Take the sticky mine. A crit sticky is the single most destructive attack in the game (with the exception of instakills and the Almighty Train God), dealing a whopping 353 damage at point blank (plus 260-180 splash damage up to 6ft, fact fans). The splash alone is enough to kill anything but a Soldier or Heavy (without Overheal) in one go. Some might say this is too much, especially for a weapon that’s more often than not used in bunches. Indeed, many times playing as a Medic, I have been moved to frustrated tears by a Demoman launching stickies at my heal target, luckily landing a crit, and eviscerating me from 6ft away. However, I would argue that this is more a fault of how the Demoman can be played (though that’s not for here…) than with the critical hit system itself.

For while Fortune takes with one hand, she unfailingly gives with the other. For every time you’ve been killed by a lucky crit, you will have also had moments where you were fortunate. And, boy, do they make for good war stories.

For instance, once, while playing Gravel Pit as an offensive Sniper, I found myself stuck at the B-C route, unable to stick my head out of the door. Waiting by a dispenser, I noticed a Pyro-Medic pair approaching. “Oh bother,” I thought. “This isn’t going to end well.” However, not concerned with a poxy Sniper, the Pyro made a beeline for the Engineer, unguarded by his Sentry. While he was distracted, I decided that if I was going to die, I’d die fighting, however futile. As he immolated my comrade, I approached him from the side, Kukri bared, and struck him. Water off a duck’s back (or perhaps fire would be a better analogy). I could see how this would end- the Pyro would turn to me and I’d die a fiery death. Figuring I was dead either way, I went for another blow. With a satisfying ‘CHUNK’ it critted. The Pyro fell limply to the floor. Emboldened by my kill, and feeling like a slim Australian version of the Hulk, I went for his Medic, who had barely enough time to switch to his syringes before a second critical Kukri blow sliced him in two.

Crits, glorious crits

I’m aware that I can take little credit for this story. After all, it was just two lucky rolls of an invisible ten-sided die that ensured my victory. But how many other TF2 experiences are based on luck? As a Spy, you are very much subject to the whims of chance- no matter how skilled you are, a Pyro’s playful blast of flame burns through your invisibility in an instant. When forced to cross a Sniper’s field of vision, you pray that he will be distracted by someone else long enough for you to pass.

That said, however, I can see there is one game type in which crits can potentially break down the game’s balance. That mode is, of course, Arena. As CodedOne said recently, in a match where there are no respawns, and each death matters, being on the receiving end of a critical rocket is no longer a minor inconvenience, but a potentially game-changing event. But I’m not sure that removing crits from Arena altogether would improve it. It would seem hypocritical of Valve to remove a gameplay feature from one gametype without doing so for all others, and I believe that TF2 without random crits would not be an improvement. I feel the best solution to this would be for the players to create more no-crit arena servers. No-one can really object to this, as anyone who doesn’t mind crits will still have the option to play with them.

All in all, though, with the exception of Arena, random crits are a harmless game mechanic that in over a year of playing TF2, we should really have got used to by now.

“QQ noob”

“Really, stop bitching”

“CRY SOME MORE”

ALLRIGHT! I get it. And you know what? I used to hate them… I really did. The people that complained about critical hits. I’ve heard the arguements, both for and against, and I have come to realize that crits aren’t purely good or bad, but a mixture of both.

But this isn’t a rant against critical hits, oh no, its a rant against critical hits in *Arena mode* This is an important detail that many seem to miss. I’m all for crits on games where you can jump up and respawn in 8 seconds, but starting a game with a Scout’s first shot being a critical shotgun and sitting out a full round? F**k it.

The Good…

Criticals… they were put into the game for a reason. It’s to allow less skilled players a chance to take on, and kill, more skilled players. It also rewards players that are doing well by giving them more crits. On a standard game with respawns, it’s great! Players are rewarded for good playing, less skilled players have a decent score, If you get killed by a crit rocket, then respawn. If you deal the crit rocket, then do a little dance. All is well and fun…

The Bad…

No one likes blind luck. You know why Mario Party sucks? Luck. You know why gambling sucks? Luck. You know why Russian Roulette sucks? Luck… and death.

While your chance for crits increases with damage, you still have a base 5% chance for crits at all times. That means that some lucky-ass Soldier can waltz out of his base and crit you an insta kill. You think that that’s unlikely?

I was playing Arena_Ravine, and I just spawned. I walked straight out of my base and my very first shot was a crit rocket to a Pyro. Needless to say, I was on the giving end of that rocket, but I too have felt the frustration of a lucky insta-kill. It’s no fun.

The ugly…

As I said earlier, an insta-kill is no big deal if you can just respawn again, but the problem with Arena is that you CAN’T spawn. You may be killed and have to sit out the rest of the round. The worst part? If you’re team lost, then you may have to sit out ANOTHER round. Two rounds with absolutely no playtime? No.

And besides, less skilled players probably shouldn’t start out on a no respawn game, so giving crits to THEM doesn’t make sense. The reward for dealing good amounts of damage shouldn’t be more damage. If you kill an opponent on Arena, YOU HAVE ONE LESS OPPONENT TO KILL ON ARENA. Does that not make sense? On a standard game, a kill really doesn’t mean much, sense the enemy can just spawn again. But a kill on Arena means that your teams odds of winning increases as your player ratio increases.

So, DO IT.

Either we need: more crit-less, Arena servers (which are much rarer than what they should be), or we need for crits to not be default on Arena.

Or at the least, stop making everyone’s first goddamned shot be a crit. It got old a LOOOONG time ago.

And if you don’t agree with me, play more Arena, noob.

This is another goodie from the forums. Displaced found a lovely TF2 stats viewer over at thesandwiches.net (there doesn’t seem to be much there at first glance). Download it from here, then read on for how to get it to work.

Anyway, all it does is take the TF2 stats file and display it nicely, like so. It’s still interesting stuff, though.

To get it to work, download it from here and extract it somewhere. Choose one of the 3 TF2Stats.exe’s based on your .NET framework version (if you’re unsure, launch NET 2).

Hit “Load”, then open up *your steam directory*\SteamApps\*your steam name*\team fortress 2\tf\tf2_playerstats.dmx. And you have it!

NOTE! It seems that the stats viewer isn’t always reporting death values properly, so if it says you have a kill:death ratio of 9.9, something is probably wrong. Unless you’re that good. It worked fine for me, but fellow ubercharger General Balls reported crazy-inflated stats. It’s not the Stats Viewer’s fault, but rather because of a faulty tf2_playerstats.dmx. I can’t help you there.

But for all you know, you’ll find some very interesting stats about how you play. I, for one, just realized how bad I am at scout looking at those stats. Wow. That’s crazy talk. I think I’ll sticky (bad pun) with the Black Scottish Cyclops until further notice…

EDIT

Miyari sounded off in the comments with a similar stats viewer. The one he posted is far more advanced though - it can graph your stats and manage your screenshots as well. Get it here!

Twas the night before Crits-mas and all thorugh the house,
Not one was stirring, save the click of a mouse.
Santa himself was playing Team  Fortress 2,
Laughing, crying and yelling,”Spy behind you!”
He was having great fun playing this game,
The killbar showed a great amount of pain.
But off in the distance, one rocket caught his eye.
He exploded into bits and peices and said “Who,What,Where,Why?”
For it was a little crit rocket that got Santa’s attention,
He yelled and he shouted and fell off the bench and
Into his sack of presents he would deliver.
“I shouldn’t have to see my own liver!”
After a while he tried playing a Scout,
He gave one supicious Pyro the shadow of doubt,
Only for him to be shot at and shout
“Spy!” And turned to give chase,
To a BLU spy with the intelligence briefcase.
Santa chased the spy who gave him the slip,
Only to follow to where he tripped
A watchful Demoman’s lone sticky,
But it was a crit, and he could not flee.
Scout bodyparts flew into the air,
And it gave Santa quite a scare.
“I will have no more of this!” Santa declared,
And he stomped off into the cool December air.
But he forgot exit the game he decided to quit,
So he was killed in Humiliation,
With one bonesaw’s crit.Happy Holidays everyone.

Blu team sits in their waiting area, preparing themselves with ubers, kritzkriegs and of course the the newly added Engie updates, planning out their way to get that cart to the first point as quickly as possible. Their palms are sweating, their throats raw from screaming that their friends are in fact spies possible of wall clipping, the anticipation is almost too much.

The gates open, they rush out, causing red body limbs to sprawl over the map in a way that would make Genghis Khan or Vlad The Impaler cry tears of joy mixed with a little sexual arousal. The point will soon be theirs.

By now the new breed of offensive engineers have gotten their teles upgraded to level 3, anxiously awaiting to see the trail of blue particles to sweep the map. These new updates are of course an offensive teams dream.

Two points are now captured, and with enough engineers the push continues. But there is of course one minor problem that is about to be encountered. The good ole’ spy, up to his nasty tricks as per usual.

All I have noticed since these updates is that now the teleporters are almost at an instantaneous respawn, no one walks to their objective, not even scouts. I mean sure why would you want to waste your breath, you could also give your rsi ridden hands a little rest while you’re at it.

But now considering this, it has opened up a whole new glorious world for most hardened spy players. They are now almost able to get behind enemy lines completely undetected because their travel time is now no longer ridden with blu traffic. Add on top of this their new ability to stay cloaked with ammo pick ups, and it is a very deadly combination. Any person who has played spy for long enough has already mapped out the ammo drops and how they can get to where they need to go without ever having to uncloak.

Soon enough, As blu become cocky with their almost relentless push, they are cut down in a blaze of backstab glory, sapped sentries buzzing like mad and a team of blu uniformed hardened mercenaries all crying in their battlements.

Plus, to add insult to injury, a spy waits back and then saps the upgraded teles, making it all seem pointless in the end. It is all very amazing to see, no matter what side you are on when this happens, which I have seen in almost every game I have played since the update.

Of course this is another great move by the TF2 developers, who have always managed to bring new strategies to tired maps by just tweaking some features even slightly. But how far will it go? We are only 3 class updates in and already we, as players, as a community are having to adapt and almost re-learn everything we once knew in order to survive. Can anyone see themselves playing the way they play now in six months time?

It leaves me thinking about many things regarding this lovely game we all enjoy so much. Will it eventually come around full circle, where we can all begin to use our old techniques from back when the beta released? or is it just going to become more cut throat, where the weakest of the pack are picked off one by one, until rage consumes them so much that they just have to hit that F10 button? Will veterans of the series eventually give up and play something else? Will blind deaf mutes be able to top the leader board by the end of it all?

Who could have thought a first person shooter could make ones head delve deep into an existential crisis?, even if it is only in a virtual sense, I find it fascinating.

The Class Updates are complicated

Some people hate them , some people love them, the tie of the achievements with the new weapons annoys many players also.

The first update, of the medic, almost everyone agrees was the worst. The initial achievement necessity for the new weapons was enormous and of the three weapons two of them were not alternatives but replacements (for the syringe gun and bonesaw for those who didn’t even remember those anymore), and one of them still needed a latter tweak.

When it came to the pyro it was much more balanced. It is easy to find both players with the backburner and the normal flamethrower (due to its tweak), and the same thing with the flaregun and the shotgun. The axtinguisher in general is more used than the normal axe, but there are still some players (like myself) who prefer to use the normal one (for instance, because I don’t feel comfortable switching to melee after flaming someone and because sometimes I find myself in situations without fuel where my melee training from the UC server works best than the secondary weapon.).

The heavy continued in the same manner of the pyro, with the two miniguns being used mixed in the community (although Natasha seems to have less love for now) and the shotgun and sandwich being constantly switched by the players. In case of the melee, most people seem to prefer the KGB (for obvious reasons of having bonuses instead of normal melee), but there are still some cases (like myself again) that use the normal hand for their taunt potential even in vanilla games (I can honestly say I’ve killed more people with the taunt in normal games than I have with any other melee weapon.).

As such, the only case where the class seems to need a small tweak in the weapons is in the case of the medic. His Kritzcharge is already pretty balanced, so we only have two subjects left. To the first one I propose the following solution:

The Syringe-Charge

Yes, I know this idea is neither very original nor does it seem very reasonable (especially with those “+3″ on the image); but this was the only thing I could think off that would actually not re-replace the blutsauger, but instead encourage another style of play.

The Syringe-Charge would not be for a medic that charges ahead with his teammates while simply buffed, but instead for the medic that has to stay behind and build an uber to get rid of a certain sentry nest or some similar task. A medic with this gun has a lower life expectancy, which makes him have to wait until his uber his ready.

However with the syringe gun helping him to build the uber (with any enemy that tries to advance on the defense a bit more or on a discovered spy), his role can easily complement with another medic on the team. The rate at which the uber would increase would however have to be play tested to find a correct balance (as the “+3″ I used for visual illustration seem to me as to much perhaps, but I’m not too sure about “+2″ for instance). This would however have a bigger effect on the kritzcharge, mainly due to keep the advantage of it when compared to the ubercharge.

Now, before you read and see my next idea and image, I want you to remember that this was seriously thought off and reflected upon, and all with the purpose of adding a new dimension of the game with the various weapons of the medic, while keeping it balanced and might I hope, interesting. However, this was designed before the latest update, so the new dispenser kinda wrecks this idea. I find it interesting though, and as such, I present to you:

The Healing Taunt

It was hard for me to think of a new characteristic which could be added to the bonesaw that could introduce some new way of play and not ruin the usual medic. That is, until I noticed the reason why I prefer the heavy fists over the KGB and noticed something.

When a medic stays behind, he is supposed to heal his teammates, allowing them to pop in and out of battle. However, sometimes a pyro or a demoman manages to inflict damage on various of his teammates, and the medic has to choose between who he heals and who he lets die. The heal-taunt would solve those kind of situations.

Lasting longer than the normal taunt (more like the 4 seconds of the heavy sandvich) and with a longer melody, this taunt would be useful on situations where the medic is safe from enemies, but needs to heal or extinguish more than one teammate. The teammates would have to stay in range of the taunt for one or two seconds for any fire to be put out, but the re-gain of health would not be so big as if healed by the medigun (playtesting would have to be made to determine the current amount). The uber/kritz-charge wouldn’t be increased by using this technique and the medic would regain no health (although his own fire could be extinguished by it).

Those kind of situations would allow a medic to both help his teammates in regular play, as well as giving him a tactical advantage over other medic when holding the area with more than one teammate. However, it would still be possible for the enemies to shatter this defense easily if well coordinated.

Also, two medics doing this would not sum up their effects on a single player.

Conclusion

As always, those are only human ideas, and can be prone to errors or mis-conclusions. If you find any factor which might throw this completely off the hook, please do say so (although in a mildly respectable manner). Any other opinions, are always welcomed.

We have been having a bit of a shortage in articles with the latest Left 4 Dead lull. So I think I should talk about people being mature (or not) on servers.

I normally play on the Ubercharged server but on this occasion it was empty so I went to a custom map server. Apparently nobody decided to tell me it was 10 year-old hour so I immediately had to lower my voice receive volume. From what I could understand over the squeaking this kid whose name was IF YOU WANT SOME COME GET SOME in all caps was dominating us with his “1337 5k7115″ as sniper and saying how “the team I am on always wins” even though his team had 3 more people than ours. Eventually the teams got balanced out and our team started to win. After losing for around 3 minutes IF YOU WANT SOME COME GET SOME decided to team switch. After the switch when asked why he switched if the team he is on always wins he said “I always play on BLU, I want to try out RED”. The map was symmetrical

This kid was a moron. I couldn’t take it any more and I made it my mission on the next map, kingofthehill, to find and kill him as many times as possible. I rolled sniper and camped his spawn. Eventually I stopped believing I was the only one who thought this kid was dumb when a hilarious British kid logged on and when IF YOU WANT SOME joined our team to stop getting killed by me he asked “Is it just me or did it get dumber in here?”

After that we ended up on heavyrace where this kid decided to grab the briefcase without knowing how to crouchjump. We ended up spending half the map time explaining how to crouch jump and, when questioned how long he has had the game he said “Since the ****ing beta you *****. I can own you at sniper” at which point the British kid replied “Are you seriously retarded?” IF YOU WANT SOME finally quit to (hopefully) punch himself in the throat until his voice was audible to more than dogs.

What happened when he quit? our team won match after match of heavyrace, and eventually pl_strider all because we could function as a team better without this kid to convince to kill himself deal with. There were the 2 opposites of the extreme on that server. The constantly tab pressing 10 year old who felt like he needed to accent his voice with disgusting language and reasons why he pwns to make people respect him, and the calm, collected 10 year old who helps coordinate the team and cares less about the number next to his name and more about the number next to his team.

My question is, why do some people decide to act like that on the internet? and if you are one of those people why is it so hard to stop acting like that online?

Looks like Valve’s finally gotten around to updating ye olde Team Fortress 2 Blog, detailing their new update!

The Engineer’s teleporters can now be upgraded to level three. It will recharge faster the higher level it is

The Engineer’s dispensers can now be upgraded to level three. It will give out metal and heal faster as it is upgraded

Spies will be able to recharge their cloaking ability by picking up ammo off of the ground or from health cabinets

Some changes to the second part of the first stage of Goldrush to give the attackers more of an advantage

Any weapons that fire bullets (shotguns, sniper’s machine gun, heavy’s minigun, etc.) can now break apart the Demoman’s stickybombs

The icon on the HUD for a person calling for Medic will now give more information to the medic (if the target is low on health, on fire, etc.)

Added an achievement tracker that will allow people to choose specific achievements that they are trying to get

There is now a custom icon for death messages when the player was killed from a critical hit

Added a new particle effect for when a player enters the water

Added smoke to the feet of a rocket jumping soldier

Players will now have some particles swirling around them so other players can see when they are overhealed

While I, a Demoman/Spy specialist by profession, heartily welcome the Spy improvements, I’m not so fond of the Engineer ones.

Turtles, rejoice!

I feel that since engineers are already so prone to turtling (one of the reasons that maps like Goldrush and Dustbowl are so prone to defensive victory), it’s not quite a good idea to encourage that sort of behavior. I’m happy that the teleporters have the upgrade - I think that encouraging offensive engineering is a good cause - but I’m not so fond of the dispensers. After building up that uber to take down that sentry nest, there’s nothing more frustrating than seeing the nest go back up. The level 3 dispensers only facilitate turtling.

We’ll have to give this one some more time, but I think this might really mess up the balance of an already exquisite game.

It has been silent lately. Everyone has disappeared suddenly.

<..reloading> <…cover me as I heal..> <..guys I’m not feeling so hot..>

As an engineer, I’d like to build things that make life easier. That includes making MY life easier, too. So I decided to take this off time and come up with some designs that will make my life easier.

Everyone likes teleporters. But our current understanding of quantum mechanics does not allow more than one person per teleporter at a time. This results in a demand for teleporters that can not be supplied and folks end up queuing to ride my teleporter - if queuing means pushing each other off the teleporter until the prickiest of them gets to beam away. Hell, I need to get to my stuff faster usually and I get pushed off MY OWN TELEPORTER by some unkind scout.

To address this problem I prepared the following little flyer to be posted next to teleporters.

You don’t always solve problems with mechanics and hydraulics, sometimes all it takes to make things right is a little sign.

Not this time.

I developed an “eject” feature into the teleporters. With the push of a button on my PDA the next scout who pushes me off my tele beams somewhere far far away.

Before : Happy face.

After : Sad, scared face. This ain’t Times Square my boy.

Obviously there is some room for improvement. As it is, the process is manual, I need to catch someone cheating the queue and push “the button”. When I have the time I intend to adjust the teleporter to use the alternate destination whenever it detects scout’s tiny brainwaves.

Alright, that’s all the time we have this week, folks. Next week we examine yet another exciting idea :

Non-stick Sentry (c). Begone sappers and sticky bombs. Comes with a wooden wrench so you don’t scratch your precious sentry and make short work of spies and demomen for years to come!

It’s so easy to be negative. But not every Team Fortress 2 player is totally incompetent (no really, stop laughing). The thing is, while it’s very noticeable when someone is doing poorly, no one ever takes note of people who are doing well. This is a shame, because you could learn a lot about being a better player and a better teammate from these people. The Engineer almost consistently falls into this category of unnoticed players. Under appreciated, yelled at when he tries to help, and even when he’s out-of-game, people don’t seem to understand him. So I’m here to tell you this:

Engineers Win Games

It’s true. A good Engineer can mean the difference between crushing defeat, and victory. Sure, they build Sentries and what-not while on defense, but they truly act as tide-turners on offense. Let me tell you about the rarest sight in Team Fortress 2. Is it a defensive Scout? A Not-So-Endangered Crab Spy? Sean Connery? No. It’s the Offensive Engineer. I’m going to tell you a story about him. I was playing cp_warpath one night, which as everyone should know, is the mother-of-all stalemate maps. A crafty Engineer on my team snuck around the assaulting Red Team and built a Teleporter on their completely deserted last point, a Sentry and Dispenser on their fourth. Soon after, a few other people went Engie and began building, and a Scout or two started capping points. Within two minutes, we were back on the fourth point, and the Red Team was spawning right into a Sentry Farm. And it was glorious.

And yet, after that, no one gave a single thank-you to the original Engie. What is this, XBox Live? Come on, we’re better then that. To this day, I use that Engie’s strategy on Warpath, though the same concept works anywhere. Throw down a Dispenser, wait for it to fill up, throw down a Sentry and quickly upgrade it to Level II. The last thing you want is a Teleporter. It seems like that would be first thing you’d build, but that isn’t so. If you build the Tele first, your team will blindly charge into the fight with their Teleporter trail lighting them up like Christmas trees, and leading the enemy team directly to you.

But the Offensive Engie has a Thankless Job

Poor things live in the shadows. The only time you ever notice the Engie is when you die because his base is under attack by a Pyro and you Teleported in at the wrong moment. And of course, there will always be one Scout that thinks the full ammo box would be better suited giving him three more pistol shots than giving the Engie two-hundred metal. Then there are the poser Offensive Engies, who see how successful the original Offensive Engie is, and decide to ‘help’. ‘Helping’ generally consists of the Poser stealing near all of the Original’s metal (be it from ammo packs or the Dispenser), building a Sentry, and promptly getting Stabbed ‘n Sapped. After that, they may try again a few times, or just switch back to another class.

What not to do, presented by NerfNOW. I know it might be tempting, but just barking “I need a Dispenser!” or “Get your Teleporter back up!” at the Engineer amounts to nil. The only time you’ll ever get results is when you say something along the lines of “I think you’d be better off building here” or possibly “I’ve got twenty bucks that say there will be a Dispenser here”. Whenever I’m playing Engineer and I find my team barking at me to hurry up, I switch to Spy and watch them suffer from the shadows. Sure it’s spiteful, but anyone who has the “Need a Dispenser Here” voice command bound to a key deserves it.

So, next time you meet an Offensive Engineer, watch him and learn. You might even want to try being an Offensive Engie yourself. Go ahead, I won’t stop you.. Personally I find it more gratifiying to play Engie on attack, knowing I directly contributed to my team’s success. Plus it’s a lot more intense then Defensive Engie, in that you are almost constantly under assualt, and always trying to keep your machines up and running. But if you take away one thing from this article, let it be this: rebind your “Need a Teleporter” key to “Thanks!”.