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Its always on a friday. There is some loud mouth schmuck whos been on the turps for a good few hours and decides its a great idea to go and play some Team Fortress 2.

“I AM BULLET PROOF!”

They tend to use voice comms a lot. They swear at everyone. Berating those that don’t live up to their high standards. Then they run into a wall, and get snipered cause they are too damn drunk to actually play the damn game.

Take last friday night as an example. We had “Steve” (in game name changed to protect the drunk). Steve took it upon himself to guide the team in his wise ways.

“Come on guys… You gotta charsge the guns. F**k man…. (several seconds of burping and sound of a can being opened) I f**king go heavy and none of yoush doctors (burp) healed!”

After a couple rounds of charging at the sentries as a heavy without much luck, Steve switched tactics to demoman, and tried blind charging with the bottle

“haha, this f**ker has a whishkey bottle! demoman haha.”

That didn’t work either.

Steve went on like this for quite some time. Every now and then he’d spout out another pearl of wisdom on topics ranging from his in game skills…

“f**k I rock at this s**t, you guys are all screwed”

To how great he is with the ladies…

“I was at this bar and the chicks were all over me, but I’m like ‘nah I gotta play TF2!’” - sure.

To discussion of the best quality liquor…

“got paid today, and I found some of that $4.99 a dozen p**s and bought 4 slabs.”

To his intelligent analysis of current political events…

“yeah that Bush is a F**ker aye?”

Occasionally he’d chuck in a random groan or burp, and a couple of times he even started singing.

I admire his effort. He was either completely ignored, or politely asked to tone it down by a couple of more upstanding sober players over voice comms (“OH MY GOD. SHUT THE F**K UP YOU DRUNK STUPID DIPS**T!”). Many attempted to engage with him over global text chat, but I suspect that Steve was having a difficult time focusing the 2 sets of letters together with his eyes by that point and probably missed it.
From what I could tell, Steve was still going strong late into the night. I played early on when he was in full swing and vaguely coherent (at least the syllables were recognizable as English). Later when I logged in, Steve had grown a little more melancholy, but still had his lovable charm. He explained later on that he isn’t actually that great with the ladies at the moment. I wonder why?

By about 2am, Steve was gone. I’m guessing he either ran out of beer, or passed out and is probably still sleeping it off. I missed Steve. His well intentioned TF2 commentary made an entire evening’s play more colourful. Although it was nice to win a few games after he finally left.

Update

Luke Mckinney has been kind enough to put together a motivational poster based on our own heavy drinking guy.