ubercharged.net

A while ago on this site, there was an article about the Pyro and its personal role compared to the other classes, when it wasn’t talking about why you shouldn’t play a W+M1 Pyro. In it, there was a line that made me stop and think.

Personally, I’d say the Pyro is a support class, far more so than the Spy (offence), Sniper (long range defence) and perhaps even the Medic (the most effective offensive action in the game is surely an übercharge).

While I didn’t necessarily agree with the points in the article it did bring up an interesting point. What does make a support character? Why are Spies, Snipers, and Medics support characters while Pyros and Engineers aren’t?

Let’s look at three basic ideas of support: Firstly, assisting directly by aiding someone- that is, helping them to do something or making it easier for them to do, secondly supporting by laying down a framework to make everyone else’s life easier, and lastly supporting by keeping people at their best and most useful.

Assisting directly by aiding someone

And how will I magically quantify this quality? Well, TF2’s stats seem to be a good starting point.

What’s this you say? Stats, explaining what a support class is? Well, I think we can agree that assists are, in general, caused by supporting or supplementing someone else’s efforts to kill someone, whereas killing people unassisted shows a less supportive style.

Right off the bat, we get the obvious ones- Spies, masters of the one hit kill, don’t seem to be helping out much. And Medics, masters of leeching assists off of people by healing them, are right at the top. But what’s more interesting is the second one. While two of our “support” characters are right at the bottom, the Pyro is a strong second, even if he is outstripped by the medic.

However, let’s remember something- Assists are KILL assists. However, what are Spies most likely to assist in getting rid of? Sentries. A sap followed by a Soldier coming in can ruin the best of Engineers, although it’s a tragically underused strategy- and if you assist in a destruction, hlstatsX doesn’t call it an assist, it calls it a destruction.

So let’s look at our candidates right now: Our support classes we started off with- Medic, Sniper, Spy- and our possible candidates- Engineer and Pyro.

Medic: This is the Medic’s strongest case for being a support character- he’s all about helping people out with their tasks.
Pyro: Strong suit for the Pyro too, setting people on fire weakens them and helps out your team mates.
Spy: Low on assists, but the idea of helping to destroy a sentry makes them at least okay in this area.
Engineer: Almost as bad as the Sniper here- low on assists.
Sniper: Sniper’s got nothing here. Low on assists, and no destruction assists like a Spy.

Laying Down A Framework

Here we come into issue that made me put Engineer on my prospective list-the idea of supporting by making the environment more friendly. This is part of the reason why people run back to “controlled” territory- not just because of the lack of enemies and glut of allies, but because there’s a base of dispensers and sentries set up to give you a safe place to recover.

And that is the support that Engineers lend to people- they set VERY clear lines of battle by setting up bases that require a concentrated push to break. This means that other classes not only have somewhere to go to recover, but with teleporters and sentries stopping people from coming back, it means they can basically ignore everything between the Engineer base and your spawn, making it easier to push ahead without worrying about your back.

This, incidentally, is also something that Engineers can claim as something only they do- no other class moves people to front lines faster or makes more solid bases, so that’s a free point in their favour.

Keeping People At Their Best

Okay, okay, everyone and their dog sees where THIS is going.

Medics do rather have a lock on this one, because murderous tendencies aside, keeping people at their best is their job. Healing you just helps you kill things and survive, and an ubercharge will, of course, make you a killing machine. Engineers do get some credit here for giving people ammo and health, but Medics sweep this.

Bonus Round!

It appears obvious from the above that the three support classes look like Medic, Pyro, Engineer. But there’s one more factor to be considered- what HAS to support? What can’t fight for itself in a one on one, and has to just try and keep the enemy down? Here is where we see why Spies and Snipers are support classes- they don’t fight on fair ground, but they might just save your team.

In Conclusion

Medics are a support class. They keep everyone happy and healthy, and help people out when they’re injured or fighting. But while Pyros do assist in damage, they don’t play with other people- their fire is just a coincidental effect that gets assists not from helping but from leaving damage laying around. And while Engineers make nice little bases, they are more focused on defence than support. But Spies and Snipers? They may not play along with you, but they support your team, and in the end, that’s why they’re support classes.

~TheGr4yFox over at deviantart spotted edinbugger’s post from the other day with the Heavy and Medic covering the Mercenaries 2 “oh no you didn’t” song, and thought he’d photochop up a snazzy cover for it.

This rocks.

As you may or may not know, all of the writers who write for Ubercharged and plan to get Left 4 Dead are now writers for boomercharged.net. Some of those bastards (who definitely aren’t me) have even been playing mostly the Left 4 Dead demo and not playing much in the way of Team Fortress 2!

Well, I want you to know that I definitely haven’t been doing that at all and that I, for one, won’t stop writing articles on this site just because I’m writing for Boomercharged too!

So, enough about Left 4 Dead and zombies, let’s look a video of a rather original capture of Dustbowl point 6.

Enjoy! And remember, I definitely WON’T be a while in writing A Sense of Achievements(part 2) because I’m busy playing a Hunter.

The following is taken from a journal in the Medic’s handwriting, found in the long-abandoned Dust Bowl mine, six months after Infection Containment.

Battle of 2Fort, day 987

The Heavy came to me today, complaining about stomach pains. It seems he had found a sandwich while on guard duty and, thinking someone had brought him a snack, consumed it. He claims that it tasted “not so good.” I recommended he lie down for the rest of the day, but being the Heavy, he refused to miss today’s operation. He, along with the Scout and Spy, left for the BLU base 30 minutes ago.

Battle of 2Fort, day 990

The away team are still not back from BLU base, nor have any respawned. I am becoming increasingly concerned for their safety. Sniper has seen not a jot of activity across the bridge for 2 days. Very strange.

Battle of 2Fort, day 991

Something has affected the behaviour of our allies. They are coming for us. I no longer recognise them. They are as animals. From the state of their clothes, it seems they have slaughtered all the BLUs, which have joined their ranks. We remaining REDs are about to leave for the Dust Bowl and await further instructions. The Engineer has set up Sentry defences, but refuses to leave his beloved contraptions. He has not returned, and we are forced with heavy heart to leave without him.

2 Days after First Infection

We have arrived at the RED base, now four men down. The Soldier wants us to stand and fight, but I tell them we must hole up and wait for the Announcer to give us orders. No sign of the Infected. Although I am a man of science, I am completely dumbfounded by this phenomenon.

4 Days after First Infection

After two days of relative peace, the Sniper spotted first one, and then a whole horde of the Infected. How they are some many I cannot explain, nor how they have all assumed the likeness of our missing comrades.

It seems the Infected can easily be killed with fire or a shot to the head. Needless to say, the Sniper and the Pyro have taken it upon themselves to eradicate all of the monsters, even to the stage where they are in competition with one another. I, however, cannot share their high spirits.

5 Days after First Infection

We are down to four. Overcome and out of fuel, the Pyro was slain by a pack of the beasts. They ripped him to shreds. It is hard to think that these… things were once proud soldiers. Usually the Heavy is pleased to be coated in the blood of his enemies, but these days he will not stop eating them. Why can he not just be satisfied with his Sandvich any more?

One Week after First Infection

While exploring the mine buildings for supplies, we chanced upon a woman’s sobbing. Ever the gallant hero, the Soldier forced his way into the outbuilding to come to the poor wretch’s aid. It was the Announcer. She is smaller than I imagined, and with sharper claws. No sooner had we disturbed her sorrow, that she leapt upon the Soldier and struck him a mortal blow. We killed her, but too late. The Soldier’s condition is grave.

8 Days after First Infection

Attempts to heal the Soldier with my Medigun have proved futile. He is changing into one of them.  I fear we may have to act before nature, as death no longer seems the barrier to our enemies it once was. The Sniper is still managing to hold them back with his rifle, and the Demoman’s sticky traps have proved successful so far. We may hold yet.

10 Days after First Infection

The Soldier is dead. I saw to it with my own weapon. I have never turned my syringes on a friend before, and I didn’t much care for it, however pleasing the sound of needle hitting flesh continues to be. Chances of getting out alive are remote. There are now too many Infected to even consider leaving our stronghold. The Demoman is running out of pipe bombs, and more importantly, liquor. I do not relish the idea of him being sober.

Two Weeks after First Infection

I fear this will be my last journal entry. We are running out of food and ammunition, and the Infected test our defenses almost ceaselessly. I can hear them as we speak, soullessly imitating the catchphrases of our allies. The Heavies (if they can be called such) have somehow learnt to kill with only their fingers. The Sniper has been hit by a brutal “Pow!”

I must put down my pen and assist the Demoman in holding the door shut. They are coming and I must

We’ve all heard of it; most of us will have played on a server where we’ve been on a team of stackers and when we’ve been playing against them. What’s more, we’ve all most likely been enraged by them. The way they dominate the other team without remorse. The way they take the fun out of Team Fortress 2 and replace it with frustration.

But you can’t spell frustration without an F, a U, and an N. And, to be honest, that is what clan stacking is. To some, clan stacking might seem like bullying. No, it isn’t! Think about it - TEAM fortress 2. It’s SUPPOSED to be played with friends, as a team. Clan stacking isn’t even that bad, in my opinion. Stacking isn’t about rolling, or even showing off leet skills. It’s about playing with your friends, the same way as you’d do normally. You could tell us to bugger off and go play matches, but Team Fortress 2 wasn’t designed for matches. It was designed for public play, with your friends, and to be frank - gibbing any sod who is in your way.

I often think one of the problems people have with clan stacking in particular is the tag itself. I see people complaining about stackers who are wearing a clan tag far more often than I see them complaining about friends wearing no tag on the same team who are doing the exact same thing. The more elitist among the clans would claim it’s jealousy - however I think differently. The main reason is simply because it’s easier to direct your e-hate towards a generic body of people than individuals. You can say” *clan name* sucks!”, but you’d look a fool if you said “Cross, Xeno, Random - you all suck!”. You really would.

Stacking itself can appear to suck the fun out of a server, but this only happens when said server isn’t functioning properly. A clan will join a server, stack the same team and instantly shouts will go up of “stacking losers!” and the like - made even worse if they start to roll. The thing is though, all that is really happening is a team is co-ordinating their attacks and defenses using an odd concept - teamwork. Yeah, it may be easier if they all know each other but with voice in-game it’s not really that hard to counter a heavy/medic combo running through the vents on turbine, for example. I should know, it happened to me only a few days ago. Bloody annoying, too. Don’t forget as well, that by using a bit of simple teamwork you can crush the clan stackers. That’s what you’re trying to achieve when you play against clan stackers - you’re filled with an infuriating rage to strike back at the stackers. It makes gameplay faster, and more enjoyable.

Part of the attraction is about playing with your friends - but sometimes, it’s more than that. It’s more than the endless gibbing of helpless BLU’s. It’s about striving to be the nastiest. The meanest. The most unforgiving bastard on the server. When a heavy-medic combo wipe out a whole team, they don’t hi-five each other and think “awesome, we’ve won the round!”. They turn to each other, and laugh - wondering who will be the first to complain about the “unfairness of teamwork”. The goal of clan stacking isn’t to win - it’s to enjoy the game. The game for which teamwork was intended to play a vital role.

So next time you play against a clan, grit your teeth and beat them. It’ll ruin their fun and make them play harder, and you’ll have a far more enjoyable game; doing what Team Fortress 2 is all about. Teamwork.

New from Nalfang Co.! A totally new way to play Team Fortress 2, That will put a smile on your face and a swagger in your step!

The Stuff you need.

Now, when your playing Team Fortress 2, You must have heard the game sounds, many, many times over. (We know you need a dispenser) But what if you could spice it up, give it some pizazz? A little mojo? Music my friends, is your friend.

For this to work well, you need :

• A music player

• Or: a music program that can overlay into your game

The type of music.

The music should be music you like. But, on the same token, choose something that best fits the class you like to play. For example, The Spy needs something with a strong beat, so you can time your back stabs with it. Not only is it fun to do this, If you ever make a video, it makes it that much easier to sync music with it.

How da’ funk makes ya’ crunk’

This technique is a double edged sword, in a way. It is great fun, and for some, may assist their playing, and you can be undisturbed by mic-spammers. On the other hand, you lose game sounds, and may start dancing to your funk, more than you are playing.

Get yours today!

to the tune of

Oh no…
Ohh noo…
Oh nooo! (Go! Go! Go!)
OH NO YOU DEEDN’T!
Cowards try to keel me, but da doktor heal me, so now…
OH NO YOU DEEDN’T!
They send leetle bomb back, but I make a comeback, go POW!
OH NO YOU DEEDN’T!
Doktor very good friend, stay vith me until end of round
OH NO YOU DEEDN’T!
Silly leetle babies, pushing up daisies underground
OH NO YOU DEEDN’T!

Oh no you deedn’t, oh no you deedn’t, oh no you deedn’t, oh no you deedn’t,
Deedn’t you oh no…
So maybe I am leetle slow… but vith Sasha, is karasho!

DOKTOR! COME, SING VITH ME!
Ja!

ACH NEIN YOU DIDN’T!
Tried to kill my patient, but I vas too sapient for you
ACH NEIN YOU DIDN’T!
I kept him at peak health, while he took your meek health from you
ACH NEIN YOU DIDN’T!
Vhen he’s using his fists, I still rack up assists at light speed
ACH NEIN YOU DIDN’T!
Sandvich can revive him, but vith me none survive his stampede
ACH NEIN YOU DIDN’T!

Ach nein you didn’t, ach nein you didn’t, ach nein you didn’t, ach nein you didn’t,
Didn’t you ach nein…
Victory is both his and mine… 4 rockets, and he’s still feeling fine!

VERY GOOD! BWAHAHAA!
Danke schoen, danke schoen… assistance bitte!
Da!

OH NO YOU DEEDN’T!
Try to hide, cowards, I’ll find you
Think you’re in da clear? I’m behind you!
I have my love Sasha
And darling Natascha
I say “Keel” they say “Da”
So much blood! Hahahaa!

You think you’re so smart, I push leetle cart to greet you
OH NO YOU DEEDN’T!
Medic has my back, so I’m free to shower flak till I defeat you!
OH NO YOU DEEDN’T (Medic!)
Cart is nearing last cap, it’ll be a fast cap for sure
ACH NEIN YOU DIDN’T!
Dummkopfs everywhere, we will make their lives despair in the near future
ACH NEIN YOU DIDN’T!

Oh no…
Ohh noo…
Oh noooo…
OH NO YOU DEEDN’T! BOOM!

I’ve been working on this behind the scenes for a while. I would say this is why I’ve been a bit quieter on ubercharged, but the truth is that I’m just a slacker.

Anyway, with the coming Left 4 Dead zompocalypse, I figured it would be fun to do a site kinda like this one, except with zombies rather than pyros and spies and engies and whatnot.

So I’m proud to unleash boomercharged.net.
Not much there yet, but more coming soon.

There are a few extra people who can actually post stuff to the front page now. Up until recently we’ve had a bunch of contributors, but all their stuff goes into a big “Pending Review” bin when they post it until after I’ve reviewed it; removed all the critical things they say about me; added train god propaganda; and then it gets posted once I’m OK with it.

Which is all fine when I’m not busy, and I’m watching the site multiple times a day.

But when work picks up on me, and I’m not online as much, things tend to get backlogged a bit (as it has been recently).

So, I’ve promoted these guys to be able to do that as well:

• clubtheseals
• General Balls
• supremesonic

Basically, I looked to see who’s been around for a while, writes decent posts that don’t need much revision, and who know how things work on ubercharged.

So Congrats guys, glad to have you help out

There is still an “admin” level above that for creating new logins etc, which is still just me being the bottleneck (so don’t hound those guys about getting on the site!). And yes, I know I’ve got a bunch of contributor applications piling up in my inbox (again), and yes, I will get around to responding to them soon. Promise!

(This has actually been in place for a few weeks, but I’ve been slack about getting around to telling everyone.)

Not all maps are created equal. Even among the high-quality Valve maps, there are winners, like Dustbowl, and there are absolute failures, like 2fort.

Something sets the best maps apart from the mundane, and it isn’t the blessing of the Almighty Train God, either.

It’s teamwork. Teamwork is undoubtedly the most important aspect of good maps. Let me repeat: it’s all about encouraging teamwork.

A map that encourages teamwork ensures that all (or most) classes can contribute wholly to the team’s offense or defense. This is the biggest shortcoming of symmetrical CTF and CP maps. If a team has to simultaneously worry about attacking and defending, the team splits: the engineers hole up in their bases building impenetrable sentry nests while the rest of the team blindly rushes the other side. Rather than focusing its entire manpower on pushing forward, the team needs to leave a few people behind to defend against the threat of a single scout or spy far behind their lines. The very idea of the game being called Team Fortress 2 fails.

Let me qualify - there are excellent symmetrical maps out there, and there are terrible attack/defend maps, too. I’m only drawing attention to the fact that symmetrical maps require a team to split offensive and defensive responsibilities - as a result, an entire team cannot be involved in an offensive push, even if the team is winning.

Assault maps, however, avoid that problem entirely by ensuring that all players on a team are focused solely on either offense or defense. The remainder of this post will focus on assault map theory, but most of what I’m writing can be applied to symmetrical maps as well.

Teamwork in assault maps

The best fun maps tend to emphasize teamwork. Generally, this means creating a challenge formidable enough that an entire team must work together to win. This helps discourage deathmatch players - solo players rarely stand a chance against an entire team.

CASE STUDY: Gravelpit B

Let’s admit that Gravelpit doesn’t have the greatest rapport with players, and the statistics show that it isn’t even being played the way it was intended. Most defensive teams abandon point A, focusing on an strong defense at point B. It may just be because of this attitude that Gravelpit has a 55% win rate for BLU. Who knows.

Nevertheless, Gravelpit is one of the most perfectly designed maps I’ve ever played. It’s probably the only fun official map that represents each class perfectly; it’s also very well balanced.

Capture point B can be attacked from between 2 and 3 sides: the attackers can attack from behind using the C route and through the two main routes from the spawn. It’s more or less open - making it good for snipers, soldiers, and scouts; but it has only small healthpacks (pyros and medics thus carry a lot of weight here). There are enough dark and/or out of the way places for spies to (de)cloak and disguise, especially under the ramp at the C connecting tunnel. Heavies are very effective here, because there are enough short-to-medium-range firefights that occur here. Finally, the roof is accessible to only scouts, soldiers and demomen; however, the lack of health packs up there make them rather vulnerable. The windows of the building allow demomen to make a good effort to destroy the inevitable sentries inside.

Thus, every single class is well represented here. Moving on to teamwork - offensive pushes here need support. Standing out in the open areas of this zone is signing a death sentence unless one is well-supported by the rest of the team (snipers will have their dots trained on you, sentries will be targeting you, and let’s not forget the pyros that will inevitably show up to ruin your sentry-clearance operation).

B is protected against solocaps by a very long control point timing. In addition, the long control point timing means that the players inside the building capturing the point need to be able to stage a quick defense (hold the point) against a RED onslaught. When inside the building, attack can come from anywhere - even from above! Capturing Gravelpit B is a difficult ordeal, requiring almost complete control of the entire B zone. Clearly, only a determined team effort (or a terrible defense by a RED team that, admittedly, does not have much teamwork) can allow BLU to win this capture point.

Alternate routes

Of course, encouraging teamwork isn’t everything; in addition, teamwork is also a very intangible quality. As a result, let’s move to a more concrete level. Another common feature between all of the best maps: the presence of alternate routes.This theoretically should decrease frustration for both teams. It also allows scouts and spies to be much more effective, by giving them different routes to sneak behind enemy lines with. Finally, it allows a team the element of surprise: attacking through unexpected and undefended routes can be crippling to a poor defense.

No one is safe

To prevent the defense from entrenching themselves too deeply, it is essential that the defense is vulnerable at all times. This goes without saying, obviously, but unless someone is in the spawn, they should never be safe - if they are at a place inaccessible to the other team / other classes, but where they can still attack the enemy, there should be no cover. Essentially, the layout of a map must keep everyone wary of their surroundings.

CASE STUDY: Goldrush, Final Stage

OK, I admit it. Goldrush has nothing on Gravelpit in terms of game balance and equal class representation - RED wins this map almost 80% of the time, after all. At the same time, it’s one ridiculously fun map. I’ve almost certainly spent more time on Goldrush than any other map.

Goldrush, despite its shortcomings, is great for teamwork, because that’s essentially the only way for BLU to win. Based on my experience, it takes more than a heroic team effort from BLU to win the notoriously lopsided first stage.

RANDOM: Ribozyme - now that’s a nerdy, yet classy name. Bio nerds like me rejoice.

But, anyway, let’s skip over to the final capture point. Firstly, the green circle denotes an alternate route. Sadly, hardly anyone actually ends up using this route offensively, despite the fact that a strong offensive push there can absolutely destroy defense. Nevertheless - it provides a fantastic way for spies to slip past the inevitable rocket/grenade/bullet spam clogging the main cart route. Also, it provides a great place for offensive engineers to build forward bases. Trust me on this one, it’s a killer tactic for the last stage - setting up a strong offensive base in that area and maintaining it will increase the BLU team’s chances of winning tenfold.

Having no direct connection to the ground, BLU would definitely find it hard to get up to the sniper deck, and the narrow path into the last zone gives BLU snipers a very narrow view of the deck. However, snipers are far from invulnerable here. The discrete pile of rubble (circled in red) allows spies to sneak up to the sniper deck and wreak havoc. (I once got accused of hacking because I dominated an engineer who repeatedly tried to build up there).

Aesthetics!

There is a reason why this map…

(I’m very sorry to bash your map here, whoever made this, but it admittedly isn’t too great).

…doesn’t hold a candle to this map (cp_boulder_v3 by mapper MrMof).

Aesthetics are a very important part of TF2. After all, most of the charm of the game comes from the cartoony characters and landscapes. It just happens that maps that don’t look good or fit the style of TF2 just aren’t as fun to play. I’m not too fond of some of the community maps, being a total attack/defend junkie myself. However, all of the popular community maps use the TF2 style and use it well. CP_Boulder uses it very skillfully, which is just one of the reasons I’m so fond of the map. CP_Steel also stays in the TF2 style, despite its very unique gameplay mechanics.

Conclusion

The game isn’t called Solo Fortress, is it? Teamwork is an integral part of TF2, and probably the most important aspect of any map. Alternate routes to an objective help keep a map moving and facilitate teamwork by allowing all classes to participate - as opposed to bottlenecks, where only combat classes can be of use. Finally, aesthetics play a very important role in the fun factor of a map. Generally, maps that look good are far more immersive than badly styled maps.

Of course, these are by no means the only things that give substance to a map. It’s up to you to find out what makes TF2 tick and keep that in mind next time you’re in Hammer.

With that said, I really encourage you to try out cp_boulder when you can. It’s on our rotation at the ubercharged.net TF2 server.

Welcome to another exciting episode article of TF Zoo! For this installment of TF Zoo, I’ve decided to compare none other than the sneaky, stealthy Spy.

Now,I know what you’re thinking,and no.Instead,I went with something more practical.Something that fit the theme of the spy.

So,like before,lets review the spy as a person. First, let’s go with personality.
The Spy:
-Is so mysterious we can’t seem to find anything out about him.

Since the spy will not reveal any personal information about himself to me, let’s move on to play-style and tactics. The Spy can:
-Cloak to become virtually invisible
-Relies on suprise and stealth
-Kill instantly
Using the information that I found, I analyzed the animal kingdom in search for a match.

I found that the best relation that I could find is the….

Closest Relation:Masked Owl

The Masked Owl bores a striking resemblance to the spy in terms of play-tactics.
-It can blend into the darkness so perfectly it can become almost invisible to the naked eye
-It (of course) relies on suprise and stealth to hunt effectively kill its prey
-And finally, it’s talons and beak are so strong that they can kill medium to smaller prey almost instantly.

Finally, this shocking photo was taken outside the BLU Nature Park and Rifle Range, which reveals that the Masked Owl might eventually work for BLU.

This photo was made by a respected individual who has since moved to Mexico because of drug trafficking suspictions.

This concludes another article of TF Zoo, and I hope you enjoyed it more than I did! Tune in next time for another exciting article of TF Zoo. This is CrabGuy, signing off.

For corrections on the previous statements and general complaints, yell into your mailbox until you forget what you were doing.

What is the constant battle raging at 2Fort all about? Sure, it is a place where aspiring interior designers redecorate the opposite balcony with the brains of their enemies. Certainly it is a much loved topic of debate between those who think it is the best map (”for pros”), and those who wish it an unpleasant death. But what it all boils down to is the contents of one rather suspicious-looking briefcase, the nature of which can only be guessed.

It is for this very reason why, on behalf of Ubercharged.net, I have contacted the most respected academics of our time from such centres of learning as Cambridge, Harvard, Oxford and Yale to give you, the reader, their most informed opinions on the secret documents.

Unfortunately, we will not be publishing their theories (have you seen how much these academics charge to be consulted?) So it falls to me, the writer, to make baseless speculation instead.

Theory 1- Secret Plans

Let’s get the more mundane theories out the way first (if there’s one thing we want here at Ubercharged.net, it’s sensationalism).

The most obvious things for RED and BLU to keep in their intelligence briefcases are of course secret plans for, well, secret things. Like the huge laser cannon on top of Point C in Gravel Pit, that never seems to be used. Or the details of the secret railway tracks at Gold Rush and Badwater Basin that conveniently run from the BLU base right into the centre of RED operations.

Perhaps they contain the Engineer’s design for the ultimate Sentry Nest? Or The Demoman’s megaton sticky mine? Perhaps indeed.

Theory 2- The Perfect Sandvich

Obviously, the Heavy Weapons Guy loves nothing more than a tasty bite to eat. Perhaps TF Industries has plans for a Sandvich that contains not only cheese and an unspecified reformed meat product, but a veritable delicatessen of different fillings to provide our Russian gastronomes with all manner of bonuses? Übercharge Peanut Butter & Jam? Kritzkrieg Vegemite? Invisibility Spam? We may never know.

Theory 3- A briefcase with a working seal

If the intelligence is of such importance, why do the powers that be insist on keeping it in a case that can at best be described as buggered? Reams of secret papers are strewn all over 2Fort- along the bridge, through the sewers or anywhere the Intel carrier goes.

Having realised that this simple design flaw was the reason behind having to go back over and over again to get another case of intelligence after carelessly losing the contents of the last, maybe the geniuses behind RED and BLU designed to resolve this problem once and for all and fix the bloody case.

Theory 4- The Spy update

Is this what Valve are planning for the Spy? Let's hope not. Thanks to General Balls on the forums for this pic

Valve are notoriously secretive about the contents of their updates. After the anticipation surrounding the Heavy Update, with speculation abound about what this cryptic ‘Sandvich’ was, perhaps they have kept the details of the next update within the game itself? Stranger things have happened.

Why stop there? Perhaps the case contains details on Half-Life 2: Episode 3, Portal 2, maybe even Left 5 Dead? Sanity should by no means be a barrier to your speculation.

Theory 5- The Sacred Text of the Train God

Even today, there are those who doubt the holy credentials of the Train God, dismissing Him as simply an Ubercharged.net Server in-joke that has grown out of all proportion. Perhaps within the briefcase is the conclusive proof of His Divine Being, and his Commandments that have until now been revealed to a select few.

Look upon thy Intel, ye heathen and repent!

Theory 6- Death Star plans

Who else could have infiltrated the Galactic Empire and stolen plans of such astronomical importance than our very own mask-wearing, chain-smoking, hen-gutting Spy?  As well as the ventilation shaft that leads straight to the core, the Death Star plans obtained by the Rebellion were also shown to be marked with several potential locations for Electro-sappers to be placed.

Wonder no longer how Princess Leia get her hands on these vital blueprints. She simply hired RED or BLU.

Conclusions

So there you are- the truth at last. Maybe. Though probably not.

One thing is for sure, the battle for 2Fort (and now Turbine, Well and Convoy) will never be over. Until we know for certain what is in that damn case.

Perhaps you have an idea about what is in the Intel? The less evidence behind your suggestion the better! Feel free to comment! The internet has been wasted on worse things!

daveywavey is trying to raise public awareness of this important issue.

After seeing the innocence and helplessness of the Heavy through his art, this is a cause we should all get behind.

Every 10 minutes a Heavy is subjected to this torture against his will.

With your help we can put a stop to this glitch happening on the map ‘pl_badwater’

Let the torture stop, fullstop.
All he wants to do, is eat the sandvich.

Posted by sQUEAKYfOAMpEANUT in the forums.

Pinko directed us to this piece of artistic mastery showing off the heavy’s mad crayon skills. Shows why he should stick to big guns.

It was posted by Evang over at Deviant art.

Anyway.

edit - Yes, the link was originally to another site, but all the members there took offence to being linked to, and came over here posting with an attitude I don’t want to encourage on this site. So I removed all reference to it and nuked all the comments to do with it. Seems they prefer not to have free publicity and the ubercharged sense of humour, fine.

We’ve all been there: maybe your internet doesn’t work, maybe something else has gone wrong, or maybe simply the god(s) above don’t like you. But the fact of the matter is, everyone lags once in a while. With a ping of 130 seen as a blessing from my crappy internet, I’ve become an expert on lag. Today, we will deal with how it effects the various classes.

The effect upon classes (in order of least affected to most)

Soldier

When lagging, a soldier is often your best bet. The splash damage of the rockets make precise aim non-important, and the shotgun is also not greatly dependent upon accuracy. Also, his high health will allow you to survive an enemy you may not even be able to see.

Heavy

Sasha and the shotgun are also not dependent upon precise accuracy, and the high health of the heavy is also beneficial.

Engineer

The beautiful thing about the engineer is that once your buildings are up, they will ignore lag and fire upon your enemies. The hard part, is building and repairing them. When your sentry is under fire and there’s a two second delay between wrench strikes, you have a problem.

Demoman

The demoman may not be the best, but he is certainly passable. His stickies should be used over his grenade launcher, and his stickies should be detonated before they need to be, depending upon your amount of lag.

Spy

The spy is, surprisingly, not all that bad during lag. The most difficult part will be timing your cloak; a delay of one second is sufficient to ensure that your cloak has actually deployed. Forget about even attempting to backstab scouts and medics: leave them alone.

Pyro

The pyro marks the beginning of the classes most affected by lag. A lagging pyro will run point blank at someone without incinerating them; your flamethrower will be useless. Your speed and your shotgun will be your only hope.

Medic

A lagging medic will be almost useless; your healing targets will not be exactly where you believe they are, and you will quickly be left alone and vulnerable.

Scout

The scout’s speed is his most reliable asset. During lag, all you will be is a Nascar Driver: very small, very fast, yet ultimately useless. Your scattergun will be of no effect, as will your pistol and your bat.

Sniper

Avoid playing sniper like the plague. Headshots will be impossible, your weak SMG will be useless, and your kukri will be as useful as your sniper rifle. Your low health puts you at risk, and other Snipers and Spies will tear you to shreds.

That’s all for this edition of the TF2 Lag Survival Guide, tune in next time when we compare the various game types and the effect of lag upon them.

There’s been a bit of Batman stuff going on with ubercharged of late. Something about that Dark Knight flick. Mostly this new-age, angsty, emo Batman. The kids seem to like it.

Anyway, I figured it was about time we saw some classic old-school Batman stuff. I’m talking the retro 1960s version. You know, back when Batman was tubby; bat computers had like 3 dials on them, ate punch cards, and beeped a lot; and it wasn’t considered to be eco-terrorism to have an atomic powered Batmobile.

Yes, things were simpler then. Even mobile phones were a novelty only afforded to crime fighting super heroes.

So riDDimann gives us some scout batman action (he uses the “bat” only - get it… took me a minute to figure that out).

Some time ago playing Team Fortress 2 normally just didn’t cut it anymore. Somehow I ended up playing scout again. Bat only.

TF2 Danjo

And in other youtubery, PadSeeEw over at Fragwagon has unearthed this… I don’t even know what the hell this is. It’s like… GAH. Some Japanese pop to a bizairro TF2 anime video. BRAIN ASPLODE!

After taking a hard look at the TF2 cast, I took it upon myself to create several comparisons between the cast we know and love, and several animals. Join me as I jump into a world of excitement, danger, and metaphors.

Today we will be comparing the scout.

Think about the Scout’s play-style: Scouts are fast and aggressive, but not too strong. He should keep his distance on bigger classes, such as the Heavy and the Soldier. He should usually go for them while they are wounded or retreating.

Now think about the Scout’s personality: He loves to laugh at other people’s expense, he always seems to be some-what happy, but at the same time he also seems to be very angry.

Now which animal comes to mind?

Since I’m the one writing, I get to choose. So shut up.

Closest Relation: Spotted Hyena

They usually hunt in packs (Have you ever seen a scout rush into 3 enemies alone?), they are very aggressive when it comes to hunting, aren’t the biggest and strongest of predators, and scavenge very often.
As for the personality, I’ll assume you’ve seen The Lion King.

This concludes the Scout portion of TF Zoo. Visit us next time as we dive deeper into the class list.

Another new author! They seem to be breeding. Everyone shake hands with the CrabGuy. - General Balls

Just remember folks, always spay and/or neuter your contributors. -clubtheseals

ELECTION UPDATE: BREAKING NEWS - The Train God won the election today in a landslide despite not appearing on the ballot.

Experts and the other candidates are currently baffled by the suddenness of the train’s arrival.

“Schiesse!” exclaimed the Medic when informed about this turn of events. “I did not zee zis coming! Ze ztupid campaign managers [unintelligible]! Dummkopfs!”

The Pyro was similarly baffled. “Mmmmpr rrrphhmmmm ppphhhhhhhrr rhhhhpphhmmmh!”, noted the Pyro with a note of indignation.

The Train God’s campaign released the following statement.

The Train God assured the public in a press release that the following images, released anonymously earlier this week, are fake. The train in this picture is definitely not the real Train God. Please disregard this heresy.

A spokestrain for the Train God’s campaign added: “ding ding ding BRAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPP WHOOOOOOOOOSH!”

Look mate, I’m not one to jump up here and pissfart on about myself all day, but when I saw who else was running for the tall poppy…well, the lineup’s just downright ordinary. Apart from the Truckie, all of them have about as much brains in their head* as I have beans in me jars.

*Trust me, I know what’s in their head.

Efficiency

Did you see what the Heavy’s going to do with the $700 billion bailout? Bugger me.

Now I understand his intentions. I respect and admire what he’s trying to do, taking that money and investing it in something useful. But his means are terribly inefficient. Sasha, that bloody missus of his? Do you know where most of her bloody bullets go? Half of that $700billion would be spent pissing off ants and termites, a bloody waste. If it were me, every one of those bullets would hit a mark. Hollow point, high velocity, and right between the eyes.

Boom.

Independent

You don’t need to rely on anyone if you never miss. It’s that simple. You don’t survive as long as I have in my job without learning to look after yourself, and that’s what’s needed in this spot.

The Heavy snogs out back with the Medic, the Pyro and Demoman play poker behind the cover of mines, that bloody Spy disappears at the first sign of trouble, and the Scout couldn’t help himself if he had an extra set of arms and a medkit strapped to his bollocks. Pop any of those blokes in the job and they’d get themselves topped within the first week.

Have they slept in the corpse of a water buffalo to survive the freezing desert nights? Have they squeezed the moisture out of a roo bladder to have enough water to live a few more hours? No, they piss around thinking about baseball, yelling “Needadispenserhere!” while fantasising about the Pyro and fiddling with themselves those useless bloody Scouts.

Zero Unemployment Policy

Assassination will become Government-sanctioned. Everyone is eligible, no, required to take it if they find themselves out of a job.

But I know what you blokes are thinking, “how can those bloody Snipers be any good if anyone can be one?”. Simple. I’ll contract two to kill each other…weekly. Also, I’ll shoot any I don’t like. WoCS are too bloody easy, mate.

I’ve had a yarn with the Engi, and he agreed with me that this will raise employment levels to new-found hieghts.

Equality

Every other candidate has his favourites, don’t let them tell ya otherwise. Heck, even the bloody Medic only heals and ubercharges the ones he thinks are worth it, leaving the others out in the thick of it. Me, I’ll headshot you nomatter who you are, and that’s a fact.

Vote Sniper 08

Intelligence. Independence. Headshots.

It’s common sense, mate.

As a doktor, I undershtand ze problems und ze pains auf ze middle class. Zis is precisely vhy I vant to be your beloved President. I vill take care auf you. I vill nurse your vounds in a vay mein opponents can not. I vill be your Übermensch!

Progressive Health Services

Mein little hard-hatted opponent suggests ve have dispensers on every street corner. Vhile I vill give him some credit for such grandiose plans, I must point out zat vill cost ze taxpayers billions auf marks, und leave ammunition vide open for thieves und criminals. Zis puts you, ze Bürgerlicher, at risk. Mein plan vill protect your family. I plan to put a Medigun in every household und boost your health to 150 percent. You und your family vill feel invincible! Haha! In the instance zat is not enough to keep you healthy, I vill make sure zer is at least a two-to-one medic ratio, for zat is ze key to success!

Homeland Security: Schweinhunds Verboten!

Var is costly in money und lives. Ze current administration is vasting time with puny soldiers und little tanks. Ze problem iz zat zey can be destroyed! Under a Medic administration, I vould pull our troops out auf Iraq und vork vis ze Heavy to deploy sousands auf Übered heavies und medics across ze middle-east. Al Qaeda will look like a bunch auf Dummkopfs compared to ze unstoppable army!

I vill also address ze growing spy problem. Zey are ze number one cause auf back-related injuries und knife-related deaths. Zey destroy ze engineer’s machines zat protect our intelligence. Zey are ze largest internal threat to national security, und zey must be dealt vith accordingly. I vill see to it zat ze nation’s medics are equipped vith Übersaws, und sales auf butterfly knives are restricted. Ve may not always see our enemy, but ve can always be prepared.

Reaching Across Class Lines…

I know I am only one man. Mein syringe gun cannot top ze Soldier’s rockets, und mein bone saw cannot reach like ze Scout’s bat. If elected, I vill help all ze classes in a true act auf non-partisanship. Ven it comes down to it, ve all need one anuhza. Vat is a scout vizzout ze engineer’s dispenser? Vat vill the demoman’s stickies do vizzout a pyro pushing enemies into zem? Vat good is a heavy vizzout a medic? Under mein leadership, I vill make Divided Nation 2 into Team Nation 2!

Zusammenspiel Macht Frei!